I'm getting a little frustrated with this whole weight loss thing. I know it takes time and patience and consistency, and a lot of times I just take every day in stride with my eyes on the prize. But some days, like today for instance, I am angry and I feel impatient. I just want to be skinny for once in my life and part of me is afraid that such a thing is impossible. That part is louder today than the part that knows I can do anything. I woke up today, looked in the mirror, and scrutinized myself as usual, but instead of seeing positive things all I saw were my flaws. I'm afraid that I've hit a plateau. I'm afraid maybe I'm not eating enough calories, but what if I am, and then I add more calories, and then I gain weight!? I am just a little lost on what I should do. I got down to 141.5 before passover, but now I'm back up to 143! Is it possible that I really ate THAT much?! I write down my calories every day and I eat an exclusively vegetarian diet, eating fruits and vegetables, only whole grains, plenty of fiber and protein. I exercise so hard at least 5 days a week, now always between 40 minutes to 2 hours a day! The only thing I drink is water (well, and coffee). I can jog further than ever before. I have a better fitness level than anyone I know. So why am I still fat!? I am just so sick of my body. No wonder I was never skinny before. How frustrating can something be?! If I have such control over what I look like, then why do I not look how I want? I'm not giving up, but I just wish I knew if I was doing something wrong so that I could change it. At this point I would take almost any advise. All I do is watch talk shows about weight loss tips and watch reality shows about people trying to lose weight. You'd think all this would help me somehow, but I feel stuck.
I guess I need a game plan. I need to add a lot more weight training, and go back to intervals. Maybe I need more vegetables??? Less carbs? Argh, who knows!? I think I would be satisfied at 135, but 130 would be even better. The problem is i'm so short that even the smallest amount of extra weight looks HORRIBLE on me because it doesn't have a lot of room to spread out. If only I was at least taller! I just want to look good in clothes, goddamnit. Is that too much to ask!? I want to wear actual shorts. I want to be able to wear a tight shirt and not be pulling it off me constantly, and walking around with my arms crossed over my stomach in shame. It's all just not happening fast enough.
I think I need to chill. It's only been 2 months that i've been doing this. Deep breaths. Lol.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Accepted
So after a long wait and a lot of contemplation I finally found out that I was accepted to the University of Maryland College Park, and I decided to accept. I know it seems anticlimactic seeing as I have been talking up Colorado for like two years, but when all is said and done I am more comfortable with UMD, both emotionally and financially. I am happy with my decision, and I will proceed with little to no regret. Now that I have applied to college and have been accepted, the long haul begins of figuring everything else out. I'm not going to lie, it's stressful even to think about all that lies ahead, but as in all things that seem too hard to comprehend accomplishing at the moment: one step at a time, one day at a time, one second at a time if need be. And just like it was with community college, it will be unfolding, happening, and over before I know it. Well, one good thing is that because of the size of the campus I will surely be getting my exercise in daily while I am in attendance.
My diet and exercise plan is RIGHT on track, by the way. I have become a master of skillfully delaying small amounts of food until just the right time so that I can make it all day and only have had 1000 calories. At that point I try to eat a little more, because I don't want my body to go into starvation mode, but it's pretty awesome that the problem I'm having is not eating enough food by the end of the night, instead of having eaten too much. Also I have been exercising very regularly, five days a week at least, once in a while twice a day. I could be doing more weights though. And my hard work is paying off! I have been losing about a pound a week. So in...8 weeks I will be at my goal weight. I don't know if my weight loss will remain that steady, but for now I'm just going to keep going and see what happens. I become more vain with every pound lost! I think I look great, with room for improvement.
I still haven't found out about going to Israel...it's still up in the air. My mumsy is insisting we all go from the 1st to about the 14th of June, which is clearly in violation of the fact that my boss said I could only go after the 7th. So I've asked her all over again if she could find it in her heart, and I pled my case in an email, and hopefully all that time I spent on persuasive writing in English and Public Speaking class will really pay off. Only time will tell!
I hung out with Kate a few more times when she came back from working Mardis Gras, and we had a lot of fun. We even got to hang out with Fallon, another friend from my NOLA days. We all watched this movie that our friend spent 2 years making and we made fun of it the whole time, it was pretty funny. The movie was really not very good, except for when Fallon would cameo in it. She probably could have starred in the movie and it would have been better. Overall we did not agree with the casting, and the plot was just of no use to the movie except to be confusing. Maybe I am just too normal these days to think that a movie about trainhopping is cool. Like "Oh i love getting drunk every day and being broke and filthy without a pot to piss in and sleeping in the streets with no end in sight. What fun!" OK I might have though that was cool a couple years ago, and yes that kind of stuff can be fun. But now I look back and think that it is all kind of ridiculous. Like, how awesome is it to be able to buy things and be safe in a bed and get to shower every day? Pretty fucking awesome. Way cooler than being hungry and drunk and you have nowhere to go and it's getting cold and if those train workers catch you they'll beat the shit out of you and leave you for dead. Plus, what if you are on a moving train and you have to poop? Do you just go in the corner? What if you are with other people? Gross.
Anyhow, enough about that. I am going to go watch a movie now!
My diet and exercise plan is RIGHT on track, by the way. I have become a master of skillfully delaying small amounts of food until just the right time so that I can make it all day and only have had 1000 calories. At that point I try to eat a little more, because I don't want my body to go into starvation mode, but it's pretty awesome that the problem I'm having is not eating enough food by the end of the night, instead of having eaten too much. Also I have been exercising very regularly, five days a week at least, once in a while twice a day. I could be doing more weights though. And my hard work is paying off! I have been losing about a pound a week. So in...8 weeks I will be at my goal weight. I don't know if my weight loss will remain that steady, but for now I'm just going to keep going and see what happens. I become more vain with every pound lost! I think I look great, with room for improvement.
I still haven't found out about going to Israel...it's still up in the air. My mumsy is insisting we all go from the 1st to about the 14th of June, which is clearly in violation of the fact that my boss said I could only go after the 7th. So I've asked her all over again if she could find it in her heart, and I pled my case in an email, and hopefully all that time I spent on persuasive writing in English and Public Speaking class will really pay off. Only time will tell!
I hung out with Kate a few more times when she came back from working Mardis Gras, and we had a lot of fun. We even got to hang out with Fallon, another friend from my NOLA days. We all watched this movie that our friend spent 2 years making and we made fun of it the whole time, it was pretty funny. The movie was really not very good, except for when Fallon would cameo in it. She probably could have starred in the movie and it would have been better. Overall we did not agree with the casting, and the plot was just of no use to the movie except to be confusing. Maybe I am just too normal these days to think that a movie about trainhopping is cool. Like "Oh i love getting drunk every day and being broke and filthy without a pot to piss in and sleeping in the streets with no end in sight. What fun!" OK I might have though that was cool a couple years ago, and yes that kind of stuff can be fun. But now I look back and think that it is all kind of ridiculous. Like, how awesome is it to be able to buy things and be safe in a bed and get to shower every day? Pretty fucking awesome. Way cooler than being hungry and drunk and you have nowhere to go and it's getting cold and if those train workers catch you they'll beat the shit out of you and leave you for dead. Plus, what if you are on a moving train and you have to poop? Do you just go in the corner? What if you are with other people? Gross.
Anyhow, enough about that. I am going to go watch a movie now!
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